Are you exploring?

The following is a write up of a talk I gave at the Christmas Wellington Test Professionals Network ...

If you follow me on Twitter, you probably have noticed I have a deep passion in history, which comes across in the sheer volume of history related facts that I retweet.  I'm not alone in this passion, as indeed my son shares the same interest.  He loves to read about it, to visit exhibits, but most of all to “experience” it.

He’s sometimes a bit disappointed with moving to New Zealand – England after all has history going back thousands of years, there are battlefields galore, and sites dating back to Roman or Norman times.  New Zealand in contrast was only colonised a few hundred years ago by Maori pioneers, with colonial Britain arriving in the 19th Century.

But when he heard that there was a World War II bunker at Baring Hill, near where we live in Wainuiomata, he knew he wanted to visit it.  We knew it was there, there’s a basic website warning us it’s a moderately difficult walk.  However there's no real information on the bunker itself, and Google doesn’t really provide us with much more to go on.

England itself is filled with remnants of fortifications thrown together to defend the country in a war that (thankfully) never came.  Likewise the Baring Hill bunker doesn't exist in history books because no documented history ever happened there, and yet it still existed in some form never the less.

This meant we just simply didn't know what to expect.  We still had images in our mind from our educated guesses.  We knew there was a lot of fear during World War II of invasion from Japan, and looking at a map, the position would overlook Wellington's harbour.  Thus we expected,
•    it to be the site of a giant fortification like those used by Germany to make “Fortress Europe”.
•    it was probably the site of a gun station – we didn't expect to see a cannon still there, but maybe some fixtures / turntable to show it was once there.
•    soldiers (maybe some form of home guard) would drive to the bunker to “do a shift” and then return home at the end of it

In other words, something a bit like this,

Our expectations

All the information we had to go on ...

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas ...

Last year I published on LeanPub the short story The Elf Who Learned How To Test.

Not only did it get a great reception, but it was a lot of fun to write.  So much fun in fact that after Christmas, I realised there were a lot more tales I wanted to tell at the North Pole.

If you've only read the one story (the first version), I do encourage you to download again in time for Christmas.

Of course as ever, this book was a free resource for the testing community, but it's Christmas, and a time to typically to be thankful for what we have, and try and help others.  Another important thing behind The Elf Who Learned How To Test was as a fundraiser for Starship Kids Hospital.  It's a worthy cause that helps families dealing with caring for sick children - I encourage you to donate - even just a dollar or two.  Every bit helps.  You can donate here.

And of course, I wish you all the best for this upcoming Christmas, and for a great start to 2014!

Mental Health 107 - Finding support ...

Whether you suffer from depression, anxiety, bipolar, stress, or any of the many other conditions that impinge mental happiness, it’s not the end.  I can assure you, there will be good times again.

As I've said, an important trait to getting through is knowing when you've been through a similar phase, and that you can “get through it again”.  It’s a maturity which comes with experience and perspective of your condition.  I myself have always found A Beautiful Mind inspirational for the part where Russell Crow as John Nash notices something about his mental condition (his hallucinations don't age), and uses it to realise and battle his difficulties.

This week I was at a Whirlwind Men event and talking to other members of our Kapiti group who are at different stages on their road to mental wellness.  For myself, like John Nash I’d learned over the years to apply a scientific method to my mental state – trying to log down moods and feelings, and question why I felt them, cross checking it with what I'd done that day.

“Mentally checking in” or discussing how you feel about your current state of mind – is where events like Whirlwind Men can be useful, and I've used the Wellington Balance Group for people with bipolar, depression or anxiety to do much the same when I've felt myself under stress.

A system recommended by a lot of people at the groups I've been a part of is the WRAP Wellness Recovery Action Plan.  This is similar to the approach I take – recording how you feel, and also saying “on days when I feel down, I need to make sure I'm getting out and exercising and eating healthily, not junk comfort food” or “on weeks when I feel stressed, I need to be able to clear at least one whole day just for myself, with no to-do lists”.

In the end, a lot of coping comes down to marshalling your resources,

Close Support

Close support from friends and family is just such an incredibly important lifeline, I can’t understate it.  You don’t have to have the support from your entire family – some people who “get it” better than others, and can be mature about it.  But having just one person you can talk to and say “I’m just feeling a bit down today because of …” helps.  And it’s okay to say you’re down – it doesn't mean you need meds or to be carted to a care institute for feeling down, only if the frequency and intensity are too severe.

And let’s be frank – people can be upset or sad without having mental issues.  If you miss out on a promotion, your car has been vandalised, or you’re going through a break up – you’re going to “feel down”.  To an extent that’s natural.  But for some people, this can be triggers to much bigger issues, and they don’t bounce back from them.  Richard who ended up off for 3 months after attending a funeral is an example of this.

One thing I would suggest though is that if you do open to friends and family about your feelings when you’re depressed, it’s important that you also show them the “other side of the coin”.  Like the news we can overtalk about the “bad stuff” in our life, and forget to say when we've come out of the woods a bit.

It’s also so essential to keep the relationship intact.  I've a friend in Wellington who has been going through an intense and emotional breakup, and we've been talking and meeting up a lot.  But then about 3 weeks ago, they seemed to “vanish”, not appearing at events and not answering texts.  I was concerned they were in the pits of depression, and wondering to just turn up uninvited – then found out that simply they’d met another person, starting dating and “life was good again”.  But didn't think to mention.

Although usually a patient person, I was somewhat annoyed at this - this individual is very good at telling me when something goes wrong, but less so about the good stuff.  But the lesson is key, if you are “sharing the rough” of your life with someone, make sure you’re also “sharing the smooth”.

Professional Help

Close support is wonderful for getting through the day-to-day, but my friend Ryan Edwards reminded me this week that every so often it “always helps to keep yourself on track by making visits to trusted experts” such as the doctor.  They can talk to you about what might be up with you – for myself I found getting a diagnosis such as “post-traumatic stress” helped me because it allowed me to investigate about the condition, read up, understand it, find out ways other people used to limit it and cope.

However many people worry about being treated as labels, where in truth each mental health sufferer although having some common traits will have some areas which are unique to them.  For example, I might have had post-traumatic stress, but the events that caused it were very unique to me.

It’s really important you build a relationship with your doctor, you need to trust them.  Try and find one you like, and then always use them – don’t talk about these kind of things which “whatever doctor’s available”.

I know many people who feel dread going to the doctors, that they’re just going to be lectured to.  Most doctors aren't like that.  If you do find your doctor feels like that, it’s worth trying another, or even saying “I don’t feel comfortable talking to you about my mental health, is there someone else I can talk to?”.  You are often well within your rights to.

Your doctor might suggest things like medication or counselling.  My advice would be to neither say “yes” or “no” right away, but to discuss it, what they would mean, how would it help.  A good doctor is making a suggestion, putting an option on the table, and you really need to explore it together.  Many people call this a “partnership” between yourself and your doctor to review and try out options to help you.

Peer Groups

This is where I believe a “diagnosis” or “label” can help.  Because you can seek out like-minded support groups.

I'm a part of Whirlwind, which has regular meetings (about 4 a year) of men who are going through various challenges.  It’s a forum for men to just be open about their feelings, to share stories, experience, pains.  It’s a great support group, and I have to drive over an hour to attend from where I live, but it’s always worth it.

Likewise I've used the Wellington Balance group which is a monthly circle where you can “check in” with a group of peers about how your month has gone, the challenges you've had, and how it’s left you feeling.  It’s a powerful thing to be able to be open with people who “just get it” because they’re in a similar boat to you, and to know you’re not alone.

Here is another example where Google can be your friend, there might be a group in your area, just try “depression support group”, and see where it takes you.  By the way, I should point out it's quite normal to feel very nervous going to any one of these events - I was close to bottling out of my first Whirlwind day, and often people on their first visit tell a similar story, but also of how glad they are that they didn't give in to the nerves.

Online Support

There is a lot of online support out there for people with depression or anxiety – often explaining about the condition that affects you, and suggesting thing you can do to help yourself.

• The NZ Depression Helpline is particularly good (and yes, you can access this outside of New Zealand).
• More youth orientated is the Lowdown, which I've explored and also found a really good resource I refer people to.
• I obviously cannot recommend the Whirlwind site or Martin Sloman enough.

These are just a few sites I recommend, but once again here, Google is your friend.

Mental Health 106 - How do you talk to a friend who has depression?

How do you deal with a friend who has depression?  There are no easy answers, and it can feel like a minefield with no "safe" path at times.  I've known a few people who've had depression – and I'm lying if I say I always deal well with them.  Sometimes you click with someone who has depression, and sometimes it’s just impossible.  The later has happened to me a couple of times, and feels like I've failed that individual, but still ...

When I talked about Pip and her revelation about not only her dad’s terminal illness, but the unpleasant nature of her relationship with him, I talked about feeling over my head.  But the important thing to do is to really not bale out and abandon your friend, but do the best you can.  Your friend needs someone who is patient and understanding.  Even if they’re going to a counsellor, they need support outside of that.

A friend of mine from school lost her baby in the final phases of pregnancy in the last year, and that was dreadful.  But she told me what made a bad situation unbearable was that everyone didn't know what to say to her anymore, so people started avoiding her.  She felt a social leper at what was already the lowest time of her life.

For myself when dealing with someone like that, I tend to try and say something – and learned if you are going to give in to paralysis because you can’t find the “right words”, you’re going to be silent an awful amount of the time.  The important thing is you make an effort and try and say something, but most of all you listen.

As I've said, I've had depression – and people tried to be kind and nice and friendly to me.  But to be honest I was in such a bad place the time, I was just hurtful back to them.  And I feel mean about that now, but also understand it was out of my control a little at the time.  To be honest, sometimes when you’re depressed, as dumb as it sounds, you just want to push everyone away.  Even the people who want to help.

For myself depression was the reason I behaved that way, but it’s not an excuse or get out of jail card.  When I dealt with it, I did my best to rebuild those relationships that had been damaged.  But I was so thankful for those people in my life that I couldn't keep away.  And yes - I did apologise for my behaviour.

When you try to deal with someone with depression – you have to have patience.  You have to understand to an extent that some of what comes out of their mouth is their depression talking, not the person you know to be your friend.  And that’s hard.

Sometimes they’ll snap at you, and you need to back off a bit.  Sometimes they’ll ask you to just leave them alone, and sometimes you have to.  Give them time, give them space, but don’t be too proud to come back, because they’re hurting, and despite what they might say, they need you.

Being friends with someone who has depression is hard – I think to get through it you need to be really good friends.  Because the depression will test it to it’s limits believe me.  I think I'm learning I can’t just “be there” for a comrade who is a fellow sufferer who I only vaguely know in passing – there has to be the cement of genuine friendship prior to depression hitting, because it just won’t last otherwise.

The New Zealand depression website has some great advice for do’s and don’t for supporting a friend with depression, and I'm going to repeat them here,

do

• Spend time with them
• Listen rather than talk – let them tell you how it is for them
• Learn about depression - how it is treated and what you can do to help recovery
• See yourself as part of their support team
• Understand how depression is affecting their daily life
• Help the person to recognise and find ways of dealing with things that are worrying them
• Help and encourage them to lead a healthy life, to exercise and to do things they enjoy
• Support and encourage them to keep getting whatever support or treatment is offered
• Take any thoughts of suicide seriously – it’s okay to talk about it. Don’t leave someone alone if they feel unsafe. Contact a health care provider or a crisis phone line.

don't

• Tell them to 'snap out of it' or 'harden up'. People cannot 'will' themselves better from moderate or severe depression
• Encourage excess alcohol and drug use as a coping strategy - it can make things worse
• Avoid them – they already feel isolated and this can make their depression worse
• Assume the problem will just go away
• Judge or criticise them for what they’re going through
• Lose hope - they need you to believe they will get through this
• Give unhelpful advice – for example, 'just think of people who are worse off’.

And of course, support doesn't just end when they seem to be back to normality.  With Richard, who worked for me, I would do regular catch ups with him to find out how things were going with him.  The idea was to check in on his mental health so I could ask him “do you think you need to go the doctor again?” if he was having problems.

He did indeed have a couple of wobbles as you’d expect – but he told me he found it useful to have someone within work to “talk about this stuff” to, and to sound out his emotional state.

Mental Health 105 - "I regret to inform you". The suicide bombshell.

It’s the worst email you can get in the morning, “I regret to inform you that our colleague and friend Nicholas passed away in the night”.

I've received this kind of email twice, and at the time you have no idea what has happened.  But sadly a few months later the rumours go around that Nicholas did no “pass away” peacefully.  I myself was temping in IT support at the time of one of those emails, and had to reclaim the machine of the deceased, going through files in his account and hard disk, deciding any work related ones.  Unfortunately for a number of files that meant opening, quickly visually scanning the contents, and moving anything that could be important to a shared drive.

I found it unnerving to go through his things, and really didn't want to delve into his private life.  But all the same, it became apparent even from my quick visual scanning of documents that he'd written a lot of letters to lawyers, going through divorce and custody hell.  Nicholas (not his real name) had been going through a difficult time, and few of us at work would have guessed.

Even now, it feels unfair, even under the shield anonymity to reveal this about him.  However these details did eventually come out during the inquest into his death many months later.

This isn't my only brush with suicide.  I've written previously about my friend Violet, and the effect her life and her death had on me.  There I wanted to celebrate her life, and to talk about how I dealt with mourning her loss.

There were some details I omitted though – I’d mentioned that Violet had issues with mental health which had seen her committed for a period of time, as well as a previous failed suicide attempts.  Ironically she was the first peer mental health sufferer who I formed an open friendship with, and she was severely influential in my life.  I learned that fellow sufferers can get a great deal of support by sharing their troubles with someone else who “gets it”.  This picture, like no other reflect my friendship with her,

Those conversations over the years of our friendship really turned my life around – because I could talk through things with her that it was difficult to talk to anyone else about, without judgement.

Sadly though in 2010 her life started to spiral – she was on a new medication system which she was finding difficult to find balance on.  Unfortunately people have to occasionally change their meds, and as Violet was on a combination of pills for various difficulties she had, there could be complex side effects that could cause whole weeks wiped out in a “zombie” state as she adjusted.  She’d also spent years waiting for a free slot with a specialist therapist to try and deal with some of the issues and reduce her medication dependence.

In hindsight we’d talked about her stints in mental institutions, and she’d ominously said that she’d never go back there.  Her landlord started motions to (illegally) evict her, something which is a difficult trial for someone with her level of anxiety, for which your flat is your only “safe” area.

One day she went quiet.  People phoned, but there was no reply.  The next day, the Police battered down the door, and found her dead on her bed surrounded by empty packets of medication.  It took months to get information – I was told her blood toxicology results were inconclusive.  She had alcohol and elevated levels of medication.  Coroner eventually erred on the side of accidental over deliberate overdose, but given the circumstances, I've always been in doubt.

Whether Violet was or wasn't a statistic, suicide is unfortunately something that does go on.  In New Zealand, suicide kills more people than road traffic accidents (almost twice the number) – and almost 75% of those who die are male.  That is an alarming number – it’s the single preventable cause of death in men 16-40.  It’s a chilling statistic.

Last year I was lucky enough to attend the Whirlwind Workshop on men’s mental health on Kapiti.  Whirlwind is an initiative to promote men’s mental health, and provide a network to both support and discuss issues frankly.  I'm pleased to say that Qual IT, one of New Zealand's premier IT test consultancies are amongst their sponsors – it’s nice to see an IT company involved in this, as going around the support groups in Wellington, I've seen an alarming number of our industry as end users of these kinds of services, and their tale is often all too the same.  Project managers and programmers who pushed themselves, until something broke, with the some finally seeing a doctor for help, or eventually ending up in care for a limited time.

Yet they are still the lucky ones – for some, their problems, and the dark places they inhabit just feel too overwhelming.  Martin Sloman of Whirlwind sums it up when he says it’s a difficult thing for many men to admit they need help, “men are very bad at coming forward and embracing this kind of challenge … it’s unblokey”, and yet this attitude of shame is leading people to feel it’s easier to end their life than to live with the shame of a badge like “depression”.

Problems in life can feel daunting – but in life as in IT, we know that breaking complexity down, you can work on it a piece at a time.  Problems can be dealt with, support can be got, but death is so huge and permanent and "unfixable".

Nicholas’s suicide ended the custody battle with his wife – but it left a gaping hole in the life of his children.  Something could have been settled and negotiated.  But instead his children are left trying to understand why he did this, and why they’ll never see their father again.

As I said about Violet, before the inquest  I would spend alternate days so upset she was dead, or feeling so incredibly peeved she did this.

If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, I really encourage you to talk to someone – pick up the phone.  A good place to start is the Samaritans – most countries have a branch somewhere.  If that doesn’t help, just type the words “suicide hotline” into Google, and see what your local options are.

Don’t think you’re too weak, and don’t think it’s just you!

A powerful video - and worth watching ...

Mental Health 104 - Depression, the powerful dog who sneaks up on us ...

About 10 years ago, I worked with a bright young man we’ll call Richard, who was reported to me.  One day, he didn't show for work, and we were told he was unwell.

It was 3 months before he appeared in work again, and we were all a bit concerned for him.  But Richard asked that we didn't enquire about what happened.  So we left it at that.

But then, 9 months later, he fell unwell again, and vanished again for a similar amount of time.  I just happened to be in the lift with a cleaner who was good friends with both myself and Richard, when she said to me “it’s a shame about Richard depression isn't it?”.

She looked shocked when I mentioned that Richard hadn't told me, but I mentioned how glad I was she’d told me.  I tried to be very gentle about it with Richard, but stumbled into a conversation on mental health, and talked a little about my own experiences.  It’s so important with people fighting this battle you don’t try and give glib solutions, but show real empathy.

Bit by bit over weeks of chatting I got some of the picture – it’s a story I've heard now from too many others.  The first year it’d happened it came out of the blue.  But the second time, there had been signs.  It’d started when he was at his aunt’s funeral and realised how she was one of the last of her generation.  It wasn't a crushing feeling, but he felt really down about it.

He thought he was being silly and would be okay, but those dark thoughts just grew and grew.  He didn't want to go the doctors because he thought it’d pass.  But then one day he realised he just couldn't get out of bed it was just impossible.

That might be difficult for anyone who has never felt that depressed to get, but this is a video which explains a lot about how people with depression can feel,

Looking at my own experiences, and talking openly with peers about them, I've come to a realisation of sorts.  As we get older we learn the rhythm of lows.  It’s a mixed blessing – but talk to someone who has suffered from any mental illness for some time, and they will tell you that the raft they cling to during the lows is that they've got through this before, and so they know deep down they can get through it again.

They also get better at noticing the early signs, and seeking help at that point.  This is important - notice early, take action before your depression has become unmanageable and large, and you're a good way to keeping yourself mentally healthy.

Mental Health 103 - Counselling and roads to wellness

I cannot begin this piece without first thanking many people who have sent emails, Tweets and left comments of support for my previous piece.  It reaffirmed my belief that "this is something worth talking about", and I was moved how my tale had touched so many people in different ways.  For myself sharing it was an important water-shed, an affirmation that "these things happened to me - but I refuse to let them to continue to have power over me".

Oh, there's still a footprint remaining - but time and treatment have helped to reduce them.  For myself and many others, the road to wellness in this area was counselling, which is sometimes called therapy.  A lot of people have opinions about counselling – ironically, when challenged most people turn out never to have been in a session.  There is a lot of misinformation out there, not helped by clichés we've all see in films, TV and the media.

The phrase that I hear the most is “I'm not going to have someone sit there whilst I tell them all about my life, just so they can judge me”.  As someone who not only been through counselling myself, but has friends who have also used the service, I would like to talk you through my experiences.

Let’s start with what it isn't …

• Counsellors don’t sit there and judge you
• Counsellors don’t treat you like a child and tell you how to live your life
• Counsellors don’t go home and laugh about what you've told them with their friends
• Going to counselling is not a sign of weakness
• Going to counselling isn't even necessarily a sign you have a mental illness

Let’s try and clear some of that out of the way now – the media stereotype we're used to is one of some awful wet-behind-the-ears hippy who just tell us repeatedly “so how did that make you feel?”.  I have never met a counsellor like that.

Counselling is about exploring an aspect of your life that is uncomfortable and causes you distress.  Let's be blunt about this, to get benefit from the session, you need to feel you should be there because there is something in your life that's such a pain point that you want to address it.  The counsellor doesn't know anything about you but what you tell them – so in truth, you are firmly in the driving seat.

Most counsellors work by essentially guiding your through processes as you explore past events, your thought processes, how it affected you afterwards, and yes indeed – how it made you feel.

For myself – I can quite simply and clinically recite to others the bare bones versions of those events “I was sexually abused”, “I saw someone killed”, “we tried for a second child, but it didn't work out”.  But the fact is, it’s the whole “how did these things make me feel” that’s the clincher.  For each of those topics it’s complex and labyrinthine, and I got so used to avoiding thinking about them, I honestly never explored how they did make me feel.  Regarding the sexual abuse for instance we explored in counselling how it affected going through puberty and adolescence, my sexual discovery, my confidence, and my feeling in situations where I felt similarly dis-empowered.

An important part of the counselling relationship is it’s confidentiality.  Counselling is a professional career which takes it’s obligation to your welfare seriously.  In fact in my opinion, counselling cannot work unless you have a level of trust with the person you’re going to spend this time with.

There are limits though to even this confidentiality though that it's important to understand – counsellors will remind you at the start of your session that they are obliged to break this confidentiality only if they feel you are likely to harm yourself or others.  But even this makes some obvious sense, this is about your wellbeing after all.

For myself and the areas which have caused stress in my life, they are not subjects it’s easy to talk with others about.  Certainly not people I have a relationship with.  They are about discussing a certain level of insecurity and are certainly “heavy” subjects, which need to be dealt with sensitively, and perhaps not casually.

I have to be blunt – when I was at University in Liverpool, a friend in my drama group wanted to meet me early at a pub one night, before the rest of our group.  She then dropped a bombshell that her father had just been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour with months to live.  But she didn't know if she felt comfortable about that, or indeed even wanted to see him.  You see, he’d abused her for years, and she was terrified he was just manipulating her again like he’d done before.  I have to admit, I just felt completely out of my depth in this conversation.  Being the best friend I could do, literally all I could do was “try my best”.  But this wasn't an easy conversation at all, and it really worried me if I had given the best advice, or listened enough.  At the same time I admit I did really feel honoured that Pip felt comfortable enough to talk with me about this.  I just really didn't want to let her down.

This is why I think it’s a bit bullshit when people say “you don’t need counsellors, you just need friends who’ll listen”.  Counsellors are used to listening to such stories, and dealing with such conflicts on a daily basis – of course they’re going to be not only more comfortable, but be able to produce a better outcome for the person in need.

Typically a round of “primary care counselling” which deals/tackles a single aspect of life takes about 4-6 sessions.  I had to use counselling for typically 6 sessions for each of those life issues I've discussed.

As mentioned, trust in your counsellor is key.  I typically use my first session with a new counsellor to explain who I am, and a high level overview of what my problem is.  I use this session to really probe the counsellors behaviour.  At the end of it, I either say “see you next week”, or “I'm sorry, I'm really not feeling comfortable with you – is there any other counsellor I can use?”.  Twice before I've had really nice counsellors, but I've just not felt I could be open and truthful with them, and it that case, it’s better for both of you if you say so upfront.  Counselling will only work if you feel safe enough to be open.

Why not keep taking the pills?

A lot of people fear medication – there is sadly no “cure pill” out there, but medications of different types can really dull some of the effects of depression, moods swings or anxiety which can help people to function relatively normally.

For some people, the drugs work marvels, and they can stay on them the rest of their lives and live a full life.  For myself after our attempt of a second child and how moody the steroids treatment had made me, the medication allowed me to get my brain back on an even keel until I was ready to do without them again.  The counselling then helped me to just deal with all the frustrated emotions, and to not only come to terms with it, but remember I already had a child and rediscover my joy in life (that might sound dumb – but in all the frustration for a second child I swear we sometimes forgot).

But for many people like myself, some counselling can help to explore the emotional issues and really reduce their power, with a view to allowing us to cope without them.

I will leave the final words with a friend of mine, Martin Sloman who works as a counsellor in Kapiti Coast.  I asked him about his thoughts about when people talk about counsellors “sitting there in judgement of people”,

“Firstly all good Counsellors never judge. Secondly a good counsellor has empathy, usually at least in part because of their own awareness of life's difficulties. I see counselling more like personal development. You don't go to school or college because you are thick. You hope to come out better equipped to deal with your future.”

If you want to explore more about counselling, I really recommend having a look the the FAQs of both Martin's website, and that of the Massey University counselling service, which I think really help to answer some fundamental fears around counselling.

As mentioned in a previous posting, most companies do provide access to a counselling service, and in the UK, you can usually get a session for primary care counselling, although there can be a bit of a wait.